It doesn't matter what you say,

"It doesn't matter what you say, it matters what they hear." I've heard this in several places recently. One from a retired headmaster, who was talking about the importance of understanding your audience (compare with the following quote from TLE's classroom: "I taught the material but the students didn't learn it. Define 'Taught' as it is used in this sentence."). That seemed eminently reasonable at the time.

However, the more I think about it, the more it seems like this is actually a disguised version of utilitarianism, where the ends justify the means. Recast in this framework, "what you say" becomes the Kantian intention, while "what they hear" becomes the utilitarian consequential calculation. Say whatever you need to say to get your point across and achieve the goal you want to achieve.

No, they both matter. Just as no one is really a pure Kantian or a pure Utilitarian, no one really focuses either entirely on what they say or on what the other person hears.