It says “within the year.” Every time you read it, the clock resets. Best to simply burn it.
— Charlie Griffith (@cegriff3) January 1, 2020
Perqs of being married to me:
— RPG (@RPG_volley) December 31, 2019
- I know the difference between perk (lively, pert) and perq (from perquisite).
We must compromise to keep our republic. https://t.co/HVk0qUXPw4
— Dave (@davewiner) December 31, 2019
Whatever the recipe is, I substituted whiskey for the milk, the water, and the eggs.
— Erin Lyndal Martin (@erinlyndal) December 31, 2019
i remember it was adapted into the short lived sitcom "Child Showrunner"
— Richard Orzechowski (@R_Orzechowski) December 31, 2019
6 Year Old Rob enters.
Rob: This scwipt needed to be done Friday.
Writers: Scwipt, awww.
Rob: All you mother^$#^s are fired, I'll have your f&%$ing careers, I'll eat your f=#&%ing souls!
Solid tv.
In a trenchant passage, @michikokakutani writes in @nytimes, "Without reliable information, citizens cannot make informed decisions about the issues of the day, and we cannot hold politicians to account. Without commonly agreed upon facts, we cannot have reasoned debates with ...
— Alan C. Miller (@alanmillerNLP) December 29, 2019
And remember when you hop on the bus to go downtown that somebody has to wake up early on these fake days, stay sober and drive the bus. So thank your bus driver.
— Dave🚴♂️O'Dell 🌹 (@BicycleDaveO) December 29, 2019
Walking into Target, I passed an 11 or 12yo boy wheeling out a suitcase almost as big as he was.
— Audrey Burges (@Audrey_Burges) December 26, 2019
His adult: “So, that’s it, huh?”
Kid (gasping with excitement): “This is EXACTLY what I wanted to buy with all my Christmas money. I’m gonna go EVERYWHERE.”
I hope he does!
Perhaps best strategy here is to say, "I will comply after Trump's people comply — not a minute before."
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 28, 2019
You follow someone for years, enjoying tweets that have nothing to do with your hobbies/profession, and then one day out of the blue, it’s like he’s suddenly looking right at you. https://t.co/zJGcNxHOmf
— John Siracusa (@siracusa) December 28, 2019
Wowzer, the LAF is on Jeopardy! pic.twitter.com/YqBsZKlQ3n
— Nancy Pearl (@Nancy_Pearl) December 28, 2019
Because Donald Trump is an ignorant, mean-spirited, twisted shell of a human being, I will enthusiastically support whoever the Democratic nominee for President is in 2020.
— Ken Olin (@kenolin1) December 26, 2019
Won’t you?
Best spoiler warning ever https://t.co/mQTrUpWiWn pic.twitter.com/ronjLrugIk
— Meryl Kornfield (@MerylKornfield) December 26, 2019
He’s got exceptionally poor client qualification, is actively hostile to better branding, refuses to focus on what he is good at, charges too little, and has poor collection practices which are downstream of working for an unending collection of muppets. https://t.co/42zEHfF5T8
— Patrick McKenzie (@patio11) December 27, 2019
I joined a gym today. Normally that is not news. But when a guy 2.5 years into his fight against ALS joins a gym because he sees true hope for our fight in 2020 and because he wants a front row seat to that revolution, that—that is worth a tweet.
— Brian Wallach (@bsw5020) December 27, 2019
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) December 26, 2019
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I feel seen. https://t.co/SpAcqQpU0U
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) December 26, 2019
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 24, 2019
"My son is God." - Mary, the original and truly greatest Jewish Mother
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) December 24, 2019
Merry pic.twitter.com/a6bD59X1pi
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 25, 2019
For sale: children’s shoes, poorly placed
— Ben McCarthy (@BenRiceM) December 25, 2019
Fourth Doctor provided for context. pic.twitter.com/IMHNtL3yYT
— Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) December 25, 2019
Did not properly prepare the way?
— marcsiry (@marcsiry) December 25, 2019
Family Christmas party tonight. Performing a fresh install of my "Kind, thoughtful human who listens" emulation software, with the latest performance and security patches. It stresses the CPU to thermal limit and burns the battery, so I don't usually run it on my main hardware.
— Andy Ihnatko (@Ihnatko) December 24, 2019
31 years ago today, Sergeant Al Powell was vital in saving dozens of lives and stopping a terrorist attack while being sent to investigate a prank call at Nakatomi Plaza.
— Tony Tolj 🇭🇷🇲🇰 (@TonyTolj) December 24, 2019
Today we remember and honour his bravery. Thank you Sgt Powell! #MerryChristmas 👍👏 pic.twitter.com/CEpQsiV6e9
hot parenting tip: if your kid talks about wanting some big piece of professional software—Logic, After Effects, Photoshop—the returns on it are probably 100x what you’d get from piano lessons or whatever.
— Chris Beiser (@ctbeiser) December 23, 2019
— Nassim Nicholas Taleb (@nntaleb) December 23, 2019
the bad news is I got sad enough and drunk enough alone in my barracks to spend $35 on an online tarot reading but the good news is I had a discount code so it could’ve cost much, much more
— kels (@LadyLovesTaft) December 21, 2019
— ❄ Merry Venomous Kirk ❄ (@jamusp) December 21, 2019
Baby crocodiles sound like they’re shooting laser guns and it’s best thing ever pic.twitter.com/MD6oflGWXI
— evil (@evilbart24) December 21, 2019
oh my gosh this is next level: pic.twitter.com/OWVBvWUPZL
— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) December 20, 2019
when you're on your way to a Voight-Kampff test prep course pic.twitter.com/9uMdz4cZyc
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 20, 2019
My definitive list of Star Wars movies based on release order.
— Nathan McDermott (@natemcdermott) December 21, 2019
A New Hope
Empire
Return of the Jedi
Phantom Menace
Attack of the Clones
Revenge of the Sith
Force Awakens
Rogue One
Last Jedi
Solo
Rise of Skywalker
Daughter asked to borrow computer. Creates the most confirmatory paternity test I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/ki78NB3xWc
— James S Murphy (@James_S_Murphy) December 21, 2019
The great Allocation of the Junk will soon be upon you. My Zoomer daughter has already made it clear that she doesn’t want any crappy old furniture or dishes... unless they can be easily sold for cash 😂
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) December 21, 2019
Many readers have asked me "how do I (with my great hair) go about fleeing a gothic house?"
— Pulp Librarian (@PulpLibrarian) December 19, 2019
That's a very good question, because it's not as easy as it seems... pic.twitter.com/NKQGyqiPE8
Merry Christmas pic.twitter.com/ITGBcAtMGF
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 18, 2019
Extremely excited to announce that @MimirHQ is being acquired by @hackerrank! Couldn’t be more thankful for the users, investors and team that supported us in our journey!
— Prahasith Veluvolu (@prahasith_v) December 17, 2019
The Simpsons intro except it's empty. like 60 hours of work went into this with @ukistuff and i never want to make a meme ever again pic.twitter.com/Btq6NaUobo
— noah (major) (@majorbean_) December 15, 2019
Been in this unit for a year. Just realized today that I had a parking spot.
— @rpg_volley (@RPG_volley) December 15, 2019
Knew the XO had a spot.
Knew I was the XO.
Just never connected the two. 🤷♂️
Everytime an angel's head is cut off a Yoda is born https://t.co/ZQF2axwB2U
— Sugar Cain (@Sugarcain88) December 16, 2019
Philo Free Presentation Template for Google Slides or PowerPoint https://t.co/GEowF7JqdO via @SlidesManiaSM #Free resources for #GoogleSlides or #PowerPoint
— Frederick Ballew (@Ballewedtech) December 15, 2019
Nailed the landing.
— Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) December 12, 2019
SO nailed the landing.
Instant classic, for sure.
💸💀⚰️
str8 girls gotta dumb themselves down for their crushes meanwhile as a lesbian i'm doing 100+ pages of assigned readings plus 750-word responses every week just to be considered as a back-up option
— liva worst (@realchoppedliva) December 14, 2019
Here’s my impression of the beauty blogger who lives next door to Adam Driver in Marriage Story who was trying to film a make up tutorial pic.twitter.com/pscYwRub60
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) December 14, 2019
focus on a different child every time you watch 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/gGpowtXKGP
— Theresita 🍯🍭 (@TTPrettyInPink) December 13, 2019
The KKKarens.
— Elliott Kay (@ElliottKaybooks) December 12, 2019
Grievance Wastewater Reprisal
— Fats Durston (@FatsDurston) December 12, 2019
”I’m neither a dove nor a hawk . . . my ambition is to be a little bit of an owl, which is often associated with a little bit of wisdom,” -- Christine Lagarde, European Central Bank President
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) December 13, 2019
“Design yourself a unit patch”
— airing of grievances (@shocks) December 12, 2019
Army/Air Force/Navy/Marines: HELL YEAH WE’LL PUT SKULLS ON IT AND MAYBE SOMETHING ABOUT NUKES OR INFIDELS AND ITLL BE BAD ASS
Coast Guard: pic.twitter.com/SPCj9uuQhg
So shines a good deed in a weary world. pic.twitter.com/SbPhPNrPNk
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) December 13, 2019
— Cabel (@cabel) December 13, 2019
Dad: you should write a children’s Christmas book.
— The Goat Path (@goat_path) December 12, 2019
Me: no I shouldn’t. I’d write something about Santa crash landing in the mountains of Cali and having to survive by eating one of his reindeer. And I’d end it with “and that’s the real story of how Donner Pass got its name”
doing improv in front of my peers was harder than coming out
— liva worst (@realchoppedliva) December 12, 2019
Shared this on Insta the other day, but wanted to share here too in case anyone needed a boost to get through this hump day.
— liara tamani (@liaratamani) December 11, 2019
Got my daughter a kitten. Now she knows what happy tears are (wait for it).😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/aTnB9Q7QWD
Corn on the cob at dinner. Glistening mounds of it. Is there a portkey between Hogwarts and Iowa?
— Amanda Sellet (@amandajsellet) December 10, 2019
I would pay exclusively for an @HBO adaption of the series, one season per book. As many episodes as you need. Take my money.
— Ian 🌱 (@ianwerickson) December 10, 2019
You Brexit. You bought it.
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 12, 2019
I’m listening to the Police’s Synchronicity album for the first time since high school in the 1980s, and suddenly I’m hallucinating in Colours by Alexander Julian, and everything smells like Polo cologne.
— Rod Dreher (@roddreher) December 12, 2019
Latte of Triumph! Taught final two classes of the semester, worked on some research, took a walk with a very dear friend, and heading home to celebrate because I GOT MY TENURE LETTER. pic.twitter.com/2qknejD2BX
— Dr. Shawna M. Brandle (@ProfBrandle) December 10, 2019
— Misses_es (@missess_es) December 11, 2019
The DMCU* is a strange place indeed.
— James Pennington (@oblio88) December 11, 2019
*Dennis the Menace Cinematic Universe
wonder if this would pass app review pic.twitter.com/GJIegTIFUO
— Christian Selig (@ChristianSelig) December 10, 2019
Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman. It’s a Harry Potter movie.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) December 10, 2019
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I've Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
— Kimberly King Parsons (@kkingparsons) December 9, 2019
Much respect https://t.co/3fcrPHginA
— Allen Robinson II (@AllenRobinson) December 10, 2019
Can’t wait for all the Mac Pro content dropping today.
— Tuomas Hämäläinen (@tuomas_h) December 10, 2019
Feels weird. It’s a computer I won’t need, can’t afford, and yet I feel like this is the most exciting Apple product launch in years.
What have you done to me @atpfm 🙈
“hey you’re bringing your briefcase today for your nationally televised impeachment hearing right?”
— j.d. durkin (@jiveDurkey) December 9, 2019
“no no i’ll be fine with this.”pic.twitter.com/Uw27J337ra
Here is my recommendation for your 2020 reading list:
— Tim Mathews (@timmathews) December 9, 2019
Read the books you already bought before you buy anymore.
If that's successful, have one like it in libraries and get sloshed librarians tell you what they really think about the bestsellers.
— Jess Nevins (@jessnevins) December 10, 2019
Thank you to Merlin Mann @hotdogsladies
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) December 9, 2019
for introducing me to Phil Noto's work @philnoto . It is a good time to be a fan. pic.twitter.com/RSsNNVjy6j
Thank you to Merlin Mann @hotdogsladies for introducing me to Phil Noto's work @philnoto. It is a good time to be a fan. pic.twitter.com/ROu4cerWW3
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) December 9, 2019
Now this looks like a god damn Superhero movie. https://t.co/F0RkyIyEpp
— Cameron Cuffe (@thecameroncuffe) December 8, 2019
Back to the Future Delorean
— Luke Lopez Saldana (@Luke_Saldana) December 8, 2019
Looks like I’m going to have to pull the wallet-in-fridge move for future tournaments because this was the result: https://t.co/ARFDlRa2cK pic.twitter.com/VqfLn7CDSp
— Tim Gavrich (@TimGavrich) December 9, 2019
Yes. Every alumna of a woman's college from before the period when such colleges came to terms with their transgender alumns. We had alumnae.
— Mikaila (@mmlarthur) December 8, 2019
Alums. Simple, short, neutral.
— Matthew Rascoff (@mzrascoff) December 8, 2019
Idealistic and misunderstood, husky New Orleans street philosopher battles social marginalization and the growing realization that this corrupt world is not made for one as beautiful as him. https://t.co/T3R6Z7YzzB
— Rod Dreher (@roddreher) December 8, 2019
OK Twitter. Be real. How many of you actually went to a library in the last year?
— Simon Cooke (@SimonMagus) December 8, 2019
The first teaser is out! Stay tuned for the full trailer tomorrow!! Here we go...!!! 🙅🏻♀️💃🏻 #WW84 @WonderWomanFilm pic.twitter.com/Vax4Yde72D
— Gal Gadot (@GalGadot) December 7, 2019
idiot. you can buy a banana for half that price at Whole Foods https://t.co/TPxQOEVqlE
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) December 7, 2019
FACT: Buying books and reading books are two different hobbies.
— Heather Antos (@HeatherAntos) December 7, 2019
Two important lessons I learned in my twenties:
— Jean Yang ⚡ (@jeanqasaur) December 6, 2019
- If you think everyone hates you, you probably need to sleep.
- If you think you hate everyone, you probably need to eat.
Also: that spinster Donna Reed isn’t still DDG.
— Carly-Headed Ninny Muggins (@carly_booth8) December 7, 2019
I like Donna Reed but...Violet Bick (Gloria Grahame).
— Carter 🏄 Hall (@CarterHall_) December 7, 2019
Spinster librarian here - I can attest that life is beautiful
— Alison (@NX700) December 7, 2019
Foundations: We must stop the loss of teachers.
— Jake M. Grumbach (@JakeMGrumbach) December 6, 2019
Research: Pay them more?
Foundations: We must create data driven ed tech personalized learning whole child development union busting gamification.
Research: But you could redistribut-
Foundations: This is the only way. https://t.co/8U6JFTRsRA
“Romanticized life of a consultant”. Yes, consulting, clearly the most romantic and coveted of professions.
— Tom Leighton (@_tom_leighton_) December 6, 2019
— Tomás Murray (@TomasJMurray) December 6, 2019
5 Guys >>>> In and Out
— Unicorn, Ghost of Airpower Past (@AirPowerUnicorn) December 6, 2019
Send tweet. pic.twitter.com/hUSlKQF39x
My story: An ambitious rural student, a tireless counselor, and a college fair that draws from overlooked towns. https://t.co/Ca5BSAeMNs
— Eric Hoover (@erichoov) December 6, 2019
Kleptomaniacs never get puns because they always take things literally.
— Ed Latimore (@EdLatimore) December 6, 2019
It might be the last time you’re married to anyone with both your arms, though
— Michael T. Rose (@MikeTRose) December 6, 2019
This young man wanted to make his adoption day even more special, so he invited his entire kindergarten class.
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) December 5, 2019
This is the Twitter content I’m here for...💪😍😇😉🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/AFyko4GnQo
— Brittany P. Battle, PhD (@Dr_B_Pearl) December 5, 2019
I had my classes (Intro & Crim) work in groups to create memes..class voted for the top 3 & everyone got some EC based on the vote tallies. When I tell you I was screaming... y'all, I love my students! #ProfLife #soctwitter #AcademicTwitter
— Brittany P. Battle, PhD (@Dr_B_Pearl) December 5, 2019
Check the thread if you need laugh! pic.twitter.com/f6p8baETOH
These @RavensburgerUK puzzles are such fun to do, & an antidote to gray, damp Seattle. This one is Bizarre Bookshop 2 pic.twitter.com/3sSn8fWWnp
— Nancy Pearl (@Nancy_Pearl) December 6, 2019
Obviously Elsa in the forest with gal pal Honeymaren. pic.twitter.com/gnt0l9slfi
— Melissa Sgroi (@ucantstopdesire) December 5, 2019
Cracking the code turns out to consist of not defrauding people! https://t.co/yMGDMLgp0t
— Barmak Nassirian (@BarmakN) December 5, 2019
No one wants to make phones that fit in pockets comfortably. I miss iPhone 4* and iPhone SE/5* sizes.
— Chandra Polepeddi (@arcrandom) December 5, 2019
Ladies and gentlemen, it can be done: Texas college thinks it has cracked the code for high-demand health-care fields https://t.co/Ix1j2mtQPP
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) December 5, 2019
Yep. It was a terrible idea then too.
— Rik Feilden (@CineRik) December 5, 2019
So... PE firms buying EdTech companies is pretty much my jam. To the extent that I am competent to speak to anything on this hell site, that would be it.
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) December 5, 2019
holy crap the 2020 mercedes amg gt r is insanely fast pic.twitter.com/tVCZwcOstN
— Quinn Nelson (@SnazzyQ) December 4, 2019
I went to Law School in the SEC. Thank God.
— DogBlog (@ABDogBlogger) December 4, 2019
In 20 years of practice, I’ve rarely, if ever met an Ivy League Lawyer that wasn’t completely insufferable.
Hypercritical: The Road to Geekdom. Highlighting the best blog posts of the 2010s. Not in order. https://t.co/fBdzrVhehx
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) December 5, 2019
It finally happened. https://t.co/x25AuXVjFI
— John Siracusa (@siracusa) December 5, 2019
Dems' year to lose now. pic.twitter.com/BNm65LQz3Y
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 5, 2019
Just saw a Boston Pizza commercial for a "Turkey-Dinner Pizza". Somewhere, @siracusa just shuddered without knowing why.
— Erika Ensign (@HollyGoDarkly) December 5, 2019
Dear Wikitribune.
— Dave Winer (@davewiner) December 4, 2019
1. I did not subscribe to an email notification service.
2. I understand. Everyone does it.
3. But -- there must be a simple "click here to unsub" link, in legible type, and simple. Not tiny type that leads to a prefs page that you have to log into. pic.twitter.com/9zcY4Id7Ni
Whoever decided that passwords must have both weird characters and numbers, and not be the same as the last five passwords, should be publicly executed.
— Robby Soave (@robbysoave) December 3, 2019
Old enough to remember we used to call this fascism. https://t.co/9HHE3mVhgz
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) December 3, 2019
Can’t wait to hear all about it on @atpfm
— Mario (@mocasio7) December 3, 2019
No, that's Billy Elliot. Billie Eilish sang "Strange Fruit."
— Eve G (@evegord) December 2, 2019
facebook never disappoints me pic.twitter.com/SpCJofw7mH
— cande 🍒 (@bazsjeans) November 30, 2019
Give me fucking strength. pic.twitter.com/741QafwMmc
— Theo (@tprstly) December 2, 2019
[me hosting the Tonys] "And folks, the cast of 'The Inheritance' is here. Yes... 'The Inheritance.' It was [chuckles] the worst-reviewed play ever to still get For-sters. [long pause] Fourrrrr starrrrs. Forster. E. M. For-- anyway, our next presenters--"
— Daniel D'Addario (@DPD_) December 2, 2019
its fucked up how in the US you can be like "oh haha that's a kinda weird choice i wonder why they did that" with basically any given part of urban design and then you look it up and the answer is just "IT WAS RACISM" in 72pt font
— deer space 9 (@cyberpupk) December 1, 2019
Lex Luthor realises he can’t physically out-match Superman, so instead uses a disinformation campaign to destroy not just Superman’s reputation, but the *idea* of Superman.
— James O'Malley (@Psythor) December 1, 2019
The twist is that it isn’t Superman that can beat Luthor… It’s journalist Clark Kent. https://t.co/PHO7GDwai8
Thom Gunn, wrenching and perfect. pic.twitter.com/YHRd138JHQ
— Kamran Javadizadeh (@kjavadizadeh) December 1, 2019
As a choral conductor, there are few greater feelings than standing in a packed chapel with everyone singing their hearts out as the choir soar over the top with a glorious descant. Every time I think the novelty will wear off, and every time I’m left in tears. pic.twitter.com/F7Aw5diEzt
— Anna Lapwood (@annalapwood) November 30, 2019
This is a good one.https://t.co/u8SmX2Orjm pic.twitter.com/v4qOR2bmiz
— Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) December 1, 2019
Picture yourself going up to a writer you’ve never met before face-to-face at a party and saying, “Hi! I really don’t like your work. I think you’re a terrible writer.”
— Myke Cole (@MykeCole) November 30, 2019
Such a dick move! You wouldn’t do that, right? SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT ONLINE ITS THE SAME DAMN THING
Posts
All Comments
