From Kazuo Ishiguro’s Nobel acceptance speech. Stories are about one person saying to another, This is the way it feels to me? Does it feel the same to you? pic.twitter.com/khwbGfVrtS
— Tara Westover (@tarawestover) April 28, 2018
“I am glad they didn’t figure out their mom, a lawyer of all things, was a cheater. What kind of lesson would that be?” https://t.co/6gVjvNd8Cw
— The Wall Street Journal (@WSJ) April 18, 2018
Guilty. https://t.co/xDCi6CvYYg
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 28, 2018
Thread https://t.co/zm7oW4HAfH
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) April 27, 2018
Headed to Mishawaka/Culver for weekend trip of games @pennlax @sjgirlslax & @CGALacrosse . we have our lucky charm Jim! #Jimthebusdriver #lafayettelimo #panthers #weareready #panthers pic.twitter.com/ePIMh2WVem
— Park Tudor Girls Lax (@PT_GLax) April 27, 2018
ME: I’ve fallen out of the habit of being a regular Jeopardy watcher in recent years, no real reason, just kind of busy...
— Daniel D'Addario (@DPD_) April 23, 2018
RUPAUL: I’m appearing on Jeopardy tonight for some reason!
ME: pic.twitter.com/gLG2giEEL9
ME: Ok, so that address is in Brooklyn, ZIP code is...
— Daniel D'Addario (@DPD_) April 23, 2018
CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Sorry, what state are you in?
ME: Oh! Well... right now I’m in a state of mind I wanna be in like all the time... 🎼 ain’t got no tears left to cry 🎤 so, I’m picking it up, I’m picking it up,
Misinterpretation https://t.co/sQqU9p6Cp7 https://t.co/VSPVZc7INW pic.twitter.com/6idUIyUHLm
— XKCD Comic (@xkcdComic) April 23, 2018
Kids vs the NRA this November. #USAoverNRA pic.twitter.com/xVxu3N5VHS
— David Hogg (@davidhogg111) April 21, 2018
I totally believe the world would be a much better place if everyone read at least one of Terry Pratchett’s novels in which Sam Vimes appears, incl but not limited to Monstrous Regiment, Guards! Guards!,Men at Arms,Feet of Clay,Jingo,Fifth Elephant & Night Watch. Yes, really
— Nancy Pearl (@Nancy_Pearl) April 21, 2018
It’s an old thing. It’s like with baby sitters. I can’t fathom these dudes who get in trouble for nailing the baby sitter. IT’S A RELIABLE BABY SITTER. SHE HAS A CAR. SHE WORKS FRIDAY NIGHTS. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
— IPleadTheFifthHat (@Popehat) April 21, 2018
Looking good! #pacersgamenight pic.twitter.com/aJasFqZmNR
— cathyyingling (@cathychapelle1) April 20, 2018
Don’t forget to leave milk and cookies out 4 me tonite! #420eve
— Snoop Dogg (@SnoopDogg) April 20, 2018
memory allocation pic.twitter.com/E32Dl3udHd
— 🔎Julia Evans🔍 (@b0rk) April 20, 2018
News you can use. https://t.co/GelAkAMKOo
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 20, 2018
"Will no one rid me of this troublesome Priest?" https://t.co/nrxU8d8oce
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) April 20, 2018
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
— Bryce Tache 🇺🇸 (@brycetache) April 19, 2018
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
If you were an iOS developer let go by Black Pixel and are looking for a remote-friendly landing spot, I need some help at @TEDTalks.
— Justin Williams (@justin) April 19, 2018
* 30-ish hours a week contract.
* Low drama.
* No jerks, other than me.
* A noble corporate mission.
My DMs are open.
"@SierraClub is proud to endorse Jared Polis to be the next #COGov. From his leadership in Congress on environmental and climate issues to his plan to move Colorado to 100% renewable energy by 2040, Polis has proven he's the leader Colorado needs." #COpolitics #KeepCOWild pic.twitter.com/rDY1mTXMxY
— Polis for Colorado (@PolisForCO) April 19, 2018
The learner's permit phase of parenting is very challenging for me.😳
— Holly Betz (@mombetz) April 19, 2018
It's been a few weeks since we completed our ten-city tour of China, but we still miss it… https://t.co/imnfxTpIa9
— The Yale Alley Cats (@YaleAlleyCats) April 18, 2018
Always so nice to run into former @UW_iSchool students at one of my talks about the importance of helping readers find their next good book - I'm with @ErinBoyington at the Parker Library, Douglas County, CO) pic.twitter.com/geHB6FfgTk
— Nancy Pearl (@Nancy_Pearl) April 19, 2018
me: (shopping for a replacement shaver cartridge) ah, i see this one has 100% performance and the gauge is completely full........ very good pic.twitter.com/ZUouicUZ1A
— Steven Frank (@stevenf) April 18, 2018
Brilliant. pic.twitter.com/DizWzjlQ7A
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) April 18, 2018
#ASUGSV2018 Missed Connections: YOU: White guy, blue blazer, button down oxford, jeans; ME: White guy, blue blazer, button-down oxford khakis. We passed each other in front of reg desk. I feel like there’s a deal to be done. @me.
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) April 18, 2018
It’s almost as if every stock has its own set of fundamentals, expectations and opinions built into its price... https://t.co/W4lP7PA7Cv
— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) April 18, 2018
I believe Magellan already did this. https://t.co/lkCqW4FvI8
— Patrick W. Watson (@PatrickW) April 17, 2018
This is a really great thread: https://t.co/djoYaleOdD
— Soledad O'Brien (@soledadobrien) April 17, 2018
What is a quote that sounds profound but is actually nonsensical, Alex. https://t.co/m7PAVKMOFE
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) April 17, 2018
Beyoncé had Coachella renamed after her, Kendrick Lamar won a Pulitzer Prize, & Black Panther has made more money than Titanic.
— Clint Smith (@ClintSmithIII) April 16, 2018
Black history month is every month, every day, every year, all the time.
Txt from my brother In MN this morning. :
— Col. John A. Bolduc (@NSPColonel) April 15, 2018
“I’m going to throw the snowblower on the trailer and drive south until somebody asks "What's that?" There will be my new home town. “
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Burmese Python Shocked At Amount Of Stress Man Holding In His Neck https://t.co/9vi1cxjw2e pic.twitter.com/qCLTW7jff7
— The Onion (@TheOnion) April 14, 2018
I also paid my doorman to lie once - he told the delivery guy my order was for two people
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 14, 2018
Scooter Libby, Stormy Daniels and Mad Dog Mattis are both a full day of news and halfway to a good Rickie Lee Jones song.
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) April 13, 2018
— Orayn (@brOrayn) April 12, 2018
This is why Trump won. https://t.co/3tcoFZfSo2
— Nate Silver (@NateSilver538) April 14, 2018
If one of my nieces or nephews came to me with this "actually, tomatoes _shouldn't_ be sold in the vegetable aisle..." stuff as often as NdGT, I'd have demoted their birthday present down to Sensible Brown Socks long ago. https://t.co/cDUsTmn5DW
— Andy Ihnatko (@Ihnatko) April 13, 2018
I love coffee so much
— Laura Dreyfuss (@lauradreyfuss) April 13, 2018
This is what my face looks like when someone lets me hold a piece of the Moon and Mars at the same time pic.twitter.com/wMN1HhXKpW
— Sarah Hörst (@PlanetDr) April 13, 2018
Witness the hypocrisy that our two-party system breeds: Check out these similar letters warning the president about commencing offensive strikes against Syria without congressional approval.
— Justin Amash (@justinamash) April 14, 2018
2013 signers: 119 Rs, 21 Ds
2018 signers: 15 Rs, 73 Ds
Very few of us signed both. pic.twitter.com/40VEVtGwnq
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School. pic.twitter.com/X8NdjG6vdY
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) April 13, 2018
did I do this right pic.twitter.com/BANW9EhFLs
— Crisis Actors Guild (@UOPsychGrad) April 12, 2018
Simple is not the same as easy. https://t.co/ayARf4xWaX
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 12, 2018
Will Pundit For Food: I knew Boston Public Radio liked my contributions when they told me I could get lunch at @newsfeedcafe and charge it to the show. https://t.co/jgCEmBOh7K pic.twitter.com/u7uMGhMPpI
— Andy Ihnatko (@Ihnatko) April 11, 2018
Almost feel bad for Zuckerberg. There’s no way he left that room full of old people without having to set up their wifi.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) April 11, 2018
You’re not sorry if you don’t change your behavior. https://t.co/sMTLhH8JSb
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 11, 2018
Blake Shelton is 41 years old. I see why Oklahoma teachers are pissed. https://t.co/ULzhQqMXSS
— Melanie Dione (@beauty_jackson) April 10, 2018
For everyone who’s ever ridden a bus in the winter & chased the dream...#SticksOutForHumboldt #Humboldt #humboldtstong pic.twitter.com/KB8uScPkch
— Charlie Griffith (@cegriff3) April 10, 2018
Apple Lands Isaac Asimov ‘Foundation’ Series: https://t.co/rpEZNGxPzH
— Daring Fireball (@daringfireball) April 10, 2018
Shout out to all you people going through some shit, but still trying their hardest to be snarky. I'm proud of you.
— J.R. McGrail 📎 (@JRMcGrail) April 10, 2018
I would have happily given up several billable hours to read through all 247 subparts of this thread.
— Ron Drescher (@rondrescher) April 10, 2018
Signaling effect of early cohorts same as Harvard. The test will be scale. #fingerscrossed https://t.co/iStpdrliyt
— Trace Urdan (@Trace_Urdan) April 10, 2018
"Writing teaches us awareness. It teaches us to pay attention, to savor the moment." @annelamott https://t.co/qMi7Wsq1Bs
— TED Talks (@TEDTalks) April 7, 2018
this is just to say pic.twitter.com/o21ucFl2iG
— frog and toad are lovers 🌻 (@apostlebrawl) April 5, 2018
i love the Uber rating system
— Alex Kealy (@alexkealy) April 5, 2018
5 stars: a taxi journey happened
1-4 stars: i'd like to jeopardize a complete stranger's livelihood
Well I’ve prepared my 5yo for the joys of adulthood. She just asked me if I remembered the day we got our new mulch because it was exciting.
— Cassie Dull (@cassdull) April 6, 2018
Check out this bird's-eye view of @IMS from 1922! 👀😯 #FBF pic.twitter.com/pInWRcsIS9
— Indianapolis Motor Speedway (@IMS) April 6, 2018
"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." Aeschylus via Robert Kennedy 4/4/68
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 6, 2018
Trump on Scott Pruitt this afternoon: "He's a good man."
— Greg Hughes (@newsbyhughes) April 5, 2018
Sound familiar?
March 13: "Rex is a very good man."
September 29: "Secretary Price is a good man."
August 15: "I like Mr. Bannon... He's a good person."
July 28: "Reince Priebus, a good man."
Another Park Tudor Alum, Arielle Lipshaw, is on Jeopardy right now.
— Jerry W. Grayson (@w_grayson) April 5, 2018
When I was having heart problems, I was like “Every moment I have left is a gift and I’m so embarrassed to ever have been ungrateful for every facet of life” and the DAY after they fixed me up, I was like “WHY IS HBO NOW ASKING ME TO SIGN IN AGAIN??”
— John Roy (@JohnRoycomic) April 5, 2018
"Get into #Parliament, make tiresome speeches; you will have great offers; do not accept them at first, then do: then make provision for yourself & family, & then call yourself an independent country gentleman." MP Hans Stanley. 18th c. advice for career politicians. #history
— Charlie Griffith (@cegriff3) April 5, 2018
Sustaining Priorities https://t.co/Zhej52tp3r
— Ian Symmonds & Assoc (@symmonds) April 4, 2018
Key To Living Longer May Be Severe Calorie Reduction https://t.co/KUFs5fgOY4 #WhatDoYouThink? pic.twitter.com/IK8EJdvgyd
— The Onion (@TheOnion) April 4, 2018
"If you write something and it doesn’t work, it does not mean you are a morally inferior person." @annelamott https://t.co/jffGGC0fdV
— TED Talks (@TEDTalks) April 4, 2018
I am a better person for being around teenagers ... not because they test me, but because they have this perfect balance of unapologetic and fiery strength and unfiltered, raw vulnerability. They are beautiful examples of aliveness. We should all strive for a little more of that.
— Amy Fast, Ed.D (@fastcrayon) April 4, 2018
What an incredible night! Dutch Divine 2018, featuring chefs Justin Thompson '98 & Myles McClanahan '98, & musicians Greg Hosterman '90 & Devan Yanik '90, was a huge success! The Alumni Assn raised $26K twds financial aid for children of alumni & faculty! https://t.co/30Jw9CmE75
— Holland Hall Alumni (@HHallAlumni) April 3, 2018
I WON MY LAWSUIT. THE DATA WILL BE SET FREE*
— David Yanofsky (@YAN0) April 3, 2018
YANOFSKY WINS YANOFSKY V. DEPT. OF COMMERCE
MR ROSS TEAR DOWN THIS PAYWALLhttps://t.co/erUP8I7iFL
*assuming the government doesn't appeal
me at any conference session outside my subdiscipline pic.twitter.com/JkklR1Dsb0
— Shit Academics Say (@AcademicsSay) April 2, 2018
President Dwight Eisenhower once said that farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield.
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 3, 2018
The IBM ThinkPad Butterfly keyboard on the 701 series laptops. pic.twitter.com/omIk5l30Ur
— Machine Pix (@MachinePix) April 3, 2018
worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster
— 🐶🌸🌼Patrick Lenton🌼🌸🐕 (@PatrickLenton) April 5, 2016
This is absolutely amazing. This is my buddy’s son up to bat but please watch the catcher. Let’s make this guy known! 👏👏 pic.twitter.com/M6goz7VYa1
— Tony Austin ⚾™ (@TonyAustin_10) April 1, 2018
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
— Dire Wolf (@ADDiane) March 30, 2018
She sounds super cool. https://t.co/IWb8LoUNAA
— Douglas Allen (@DouglasHAllen) April 3, 2018
today. i wasn’t a very good dog
— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) April 2, 2018
april fools. i was so good
Carrie Fisher on the Tonight Show with Garry Shandling, 1987 pic.twitter.com/PfoBaRdHCh
— skywalker (@tolkienianjedi) March 31, 2018
*Sting voice*
— Allen Ventano (@AllenVentano) March 30, 2018
🎶roooooooooooooo-seanne/you don’t have to go to the alt-right🎶
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